Boner Killers

For us humans, evolution didn’t work out that way. Instead we spend most of our free time thinking about sex. Or love. Or anything having to do with the opposite sex, really. From what I understand, this takes up most of men’s lives until they’ve gotten old enough so that their junk settles down and they acquiesce into having a family (or dying alone. Either one). Same goes for women. We think about sex all the time, and it gets worse as we get older and the sex gets better. It’s important for everyone to have sex, because sex makes us feel attractive, happy, and energized. In other words, boners are what make the world go ’round.

However, the planet is over-populated and if everyone responded to every available boner that was created we’d all be dead from starvation. Therefore, nature has designed ways to prevent us from having sex—the sound of your mom’s voice, a baby’s cry, news of something tragic. These things are intrinsically opposed to procreation, because nature is a genius and she knows when you aren’t supposed to be doing it.

Let’s take a look at some other classic boner killers that nature has offered up:

Vagina McPantsuit aka Hillary Clinton: Nothing kills a boner more than feminism. Hillary is an inspiration to women all over the world and has held it together through public humiliation and extreme political duress, but her pantsuits have rendered that point moot. Sorry, but it’s true. Men are jerks.

The cast of “Faces of Meth”: Google the website if you want your ovaries to flush themselves down the toilet in an act of suicide, or never want to have sex with a woman ever again.

Jeremy Piven: There’s no rhyme or reason as to what makes us tingly for someone, but one thing I know for sure is that there are no tingles for the Pivs. He is awful. The guy is an actual boner. He plays himself on TV and has hair plugs and the world’s shittiest attitude. What a chief.

Ed Hardy: Pretty self-explanatory.


Nimble footwear on men (mandals, Uggs, water moccasin-looking thingies): Girls check you out before deciding if we’re going to let you eventually touch our
hoo-hoos, but no self-respecting woman finds her mom’s shoes appealing on a man.

Jocelyn Wildenstein aka “Cat Woman”: We all had a collective gross-out in 1998 after she started popping up on the televisions, but she’s still alive and was recently spotted prowling at the Beverly Hilton Hotel, which means you still risk being sterilized upon sight. Achtung!

Two Girls One Cup: I personally love 2G1C because it represents just how advanced our culture has become. Raymond Kurzweil wrote a 500-page book called The Singularity Is Near about how human technology has increased at such an exponential rate since the Industrial Revolution that we are becoming one collective unit. The Internet is the great omnipotent force that brings us all together, and it is within this great vat of human equanimity that a disgusting, filthy, depraved pervert who likes Japanese shit porn can have something in common with a marine biology student at UCSC whose only dream is to one day swim with the dolphins. The video went viral and swept the nation like Sudoku, so everyone saw it. It is such an intense eye-rape, it’s hard to take in. But, if you want to save your boners, you can skip the video and watch hundreds of YouTube videos of people reacting to it. It’s funnier and safer than watching the actual exchanging of girl-poop.

So there it is, a collection of classic boner killers. You can thank these things for existing because, as I said earlier, if life didn’t force us to get out of bed and stop effing people, we’d all be dead.