Chocolate Thunder

His name was Chocolate Thunder, and he hailed from the Planet Lovetron. He had most of the traditional super powers, but he also had this whole off the hook funkosity quotient that made a superhero like Batman for instance, seem like a borderline pansy. Chocolate Thunder was the Chairman of Interplanetary Funkmanship, and yes, that is a very heavy trip, but if anyone could handle it, he could.

His daytime Clark Kent name was Darryl Dawkins. But unlike Clark Kent, he was anything but mild-mannered. Nor was he shy about using his super powers for his day-to-day enjoyment purposes. Being 6’11”, and being able to fly and smash stuff and shit, he decided to play in the NBA.

He joined up with the Sixers, and pretty soon just forgot about all that crime-fighting hassle and concentrated on basketball and laying his mack down. He named all his dunks like they were his children: The Rim-Wrecker, The Spine-Chiller Supreme, and The Sexophonic Delight. He laid tons of women and did loads of drugs and just generally carried on like Superman or the Hulk would if they weren’t wound so tight.

Nowadays, the Double Dizzle is just chilling, coaching an ABA team, the Newark Express. We caught up with him to get all the news from the stratosphere and see what he was up to.

Frank151: So, Darryl... Mr. Thunder... are you still the Chairman of Interplanetary Funkmanship?
Daryl Dawkins: I’m actually president now.
F151: That’s quite a promotion.
DD: It’s not that big a deal. I’ve been on the scene for a while out there. It’s more about how people have to treat ME, you know what I’m saying? Not what I myself have to DO.
(We ponder that, and find it has great meaning)

F151: Where is Lovetron exactly?
DD: Lovetron is a planet that is one million billion light years away. I go there in my mind to, you know, get away from the day-to-day.
F151: Anyone else we might have heard of who’s been to Lovetron?
DD: Oh yeah. World B. Free. Artis Gilmore. And lots of beautiful women. That was my whole thing, taking the ladies out there. That’s why, when I go there, I travel in an invisible transporter, so everybody can see all the fine women I travel with. I like to show them off, you know. Back in the day, Lola Folana was often to be seen in my spaceship.

F151: Have you ever been to Krypton?
DD: I’ve flown over it a couple times. I gotta say, I’ve never really been able to understand that whole scene. Superman, people from Krypton, they all get destroyed by Kryptonite! I mean, that doesn’t make any sense. See, I’m Chocolate Thunder, but I don’t get destroyed by chocolate. I like chocolate.

F151: Can anything destroy Chocolate Thunder?
DD: White lightning. In very large quantities.

F151: Do you know Superman?
DD: Oh yeah. All us superheroes know each other. It’s very casual. I’m like hey, what’s up Supe? And he says, yo Choc. And Devil... you know, Daredevil, I see him around a lot. We don’t really hang, but we’re cool.
F151: Superman can fly and bend stuff and all... what are the specific superpowers of a Lovetronian?
DD: Well, telling you them all would take a while. But the bending things, that’s a key difference right there. Superman bends things. Lovetronians are all about making sure things don’t get bent.
(Again, we ponder. The universe is starting to make sense.)
F151: How’s Superman on the court?
DD: Solid. You know, he can fly, which is tough. But basketball is not really his thing.

F151: What about Darth Vader? He seems like he’s probably got some game.
DD: Oh definitely, Darth is a mother in the paint. He just backs you down and backs you down. He’s relentless.

F151: Is Darth really that bad of a guy, or has he just gotten a bad rap?
DD: No no no no, Darth is a VERY bad dude. Here’s the thing when you’re playing ball with Darth... you gotta be careful. Cause he gets worked up, and the next thing you know, you go to block his shot and he just slice your whole hand off, like that.

F151: Finally, Mr. Thunder... on a personal note. Obviously you Lovetronians are very skilled in the art of love. I’ve been having a little trouble with the ladies lately. You got any seduction tips for a mere mortal?
DD: Toes. Earthlings always forget about the toes. Women love to have their toes done. And don’t be afraid to use your mouth.