Coke: The New Heroin

But, as far as drug trends go, heroin had a few qualities that would be more than welcome in the 206 today. Cocaine has replaced heroin as the Rock & Roll drug of choice in Seattle, and with absolutely none of the benefits that Mr. Brownstone brought to the party.

First and foremost would be dope’s ability to get even the most annoying Chatty Cathy scene-ster to shut the fuck up.  It is damn near impossible to wax poetic about your crappy band when you are on the nod.  Idle small talk about what Sub Pop is up to these days becomes non-existent when you’re trying to score some junk.  And the 20 minute monologue about the last time you got wasted at the Cha Cha?  Good luck stringing that story together while you’re banging around for a vein.

Cocaine, on the other hand, has turned every hipster with a working nostril into a walking, always-talking encyclopedia of useless knowledge pertaining to every club, band, DJ, and bar within the city limits.  If Martin Scorsese’s mom were still alive, she could make a mint just walking around parties, uttering her oft-repeated Goodfellas line, “You’re always talking?”

Drugs are like that family of badasses that live at the end of the street - you know, the house with a kid in every grade and a dad that drinks.  Even though they’re all pretty tough, some of ‘em are way tougher than others. Heroin will pull a knife on you, steal all your lunch money, beat your ass, and then force you to poop your pants (while puking). Cocaine will merely make you look like a loudmouthed idiot in front of all your friends and maybe give you a nosebleed.

Needles are much tougher than a Trans Am carnival mirror lined with powder.  Lou Reed shooting dope is far more Rock & Roll than Diamond Dave doing lines off a stripper’s ass will ever be.  Heroin is the menacing hoodlum that’s gonna fuck you all night, while coke is his dorky little brother with a runny nose and ADD.


Politically speaking, heroin is a Democrat.  Dope is still cheap enough to be enjoyed by the masses and pretty much anyone can get hooked.  It is a fair and just drug – virtually anyone, no matter their race, economic background, or religious beliefs can be a junkie.

Such liberal fairness does not apply to coke.  It’s still expensive, unless you’re smoking crack.  Like Republicans, coke is sneaky, elitist, and white. Three people hogging the bathroom at a house party is the equivalent of George W. Bush denying government wiretapping.  Dude.  Come on. You’re not fooling anyone.  We know exactly what you’re doing in there.

For a scene so concerned with appearance, it’s surprising that coke ever made it out of Studio 54 and into the Rock world.  Dope was all decked out in tight black jeans, dark shades, leather jackets, and a deathly pallor long before the fashion mags started pimping the look.  It is a look that never goes out of style.  Keith Richards looked his best at the height of his addiction and you cannot deny the magic that heroin worked on Courtney Love’s waistline.

Behind every eight ball of blow, however, is a twenty-something dressed like an extra in a Kajagoogoo video.  Perhaps looking like Sonny Crockett of Miami Vice makes today’s snow bunnies feel closer to the Columbian drug lords that have inspired such questionable apparel.  Leaving the house wearing a powder blue Lacoste, collar up, with a Goods hoodie draped across your shoulders and a bad pair of 1980s shades is only a smart fashion choice after doing a couple of lines of coke.

Which brings us to a very important fact.  Powder blue (along with virtually any of the baby or electric blues on the color wheel) will only look good on Blacks and Latinos.  Ever.

The bottom line?  Ingesting unknown substances purchased from shady characters should carry a certain amount of risk. Rock & Roll is best served with a certain amount of menace and swagger.  If cocaine is, indeed, the new heroin in Seattle, it needs to start separating the wheat from the chaff. 

The process of natural selection should apply to all drugs, not just heroin.  A few well-publicized overdoses should do the trick, or perhaps just a couple of major busts.  If anything, it would help cut down on the bathroom line wait time on Capitol Hill.